A Little Fall Air

[merryeccentricities]

Autumn in Milliways is not quite the autumn Joly remembers in Paris, and even less the autumn he remembers from childhood in Auvignon-- but it is decidedly autumn all the same, cool and pleasant enough to inspire him to extend his usual daily walks.


And there's another figure from his Paris walking today , the silhouette unmistakeable--and the gait too. He lifts one hand, and calls out a greeting in a conversational tone. "Marius! Marius Pontmercy!"

Comments

[heartbeneathastone]

If Joly were at all uncertain as to whether or not the figure was in fact Marius, his startled reaction to being so hailed would surely answer all doubts.

"Joly! How-- how do you do?"

[merryeccentricities]

Joly's smile in response is as friendly and sincere as ever--but all right, there may be a touch of concern there, in answer to Marius' obvious unease. "I'm doing fine, very well-- and I'm glad to see you, I was hoping to catch you again before you left."

[heartbeneathastone]

"Oh?" He tilts his head curiously. "Do you have another message for someone in Paris?"

[merryeccentricities]

"Oh!" Joly laughs at that, embarassed. "No, no--I would hardly know anyone else, and--no. I-well, I was hoping to get to apologize. I know you've done us all a great favor, and me, in particular, I--really I can't being to thank you properly." He bites at his lip for a moment; the subject of that favor is still a little raw. But it's all right; he goes on. "And I'm afraid I was actually rather unpleasant about it."

[heartbeneathastone]

"Unpleasant! Why, no!" Is Joly capable of being unpleasant. "I shall count myself forever in your debt for your kindness to Cosette's father. And even if that were not so, I would happily carry a thousand such messages. I think it would hardly be right to do otherwise, when it is a thing so easily done."

[merryeccentricities]

He can be very cranky! Especially around exams!

But right now he's mostly rather serious, and still a bit concerned. "No, no-- that was my honor, you know, to be able to help him. I really am glad, we're all in debt to him too, so please don't feel put under any burden there. Not that I don't believe you willing to help us! You've certainly more than proven that. But--it's kind of you, you know--oh,that's such a, a polite thing to say, isn't it? I wish-- It doesn't at all get to how much you've done for us. And I am sure you mean it, but--well, I don't want you to feel that we only want you here to act as the post-coach. It truly is good to see you again."

[heartbeneathastone]

Marius, unsurprisingly, blushes. "Of course. I do not think that-- no, not at all. You are not that sort of man. None of you are."

[merryeccentricities]

"Thank you; I am glad you know it." Joly's reply is entirely earnest; if he were speaking to any friend but Marius he would reach out now--but, well, it is Marius. Something about him has always prevented such displays, at least to Joly. But... "I had thought perhaps--that is, you have seemed a little uneasy around us since coming here. Which, well, you certainly have cause! But if it's anything I've said or done--well, or if there's anything I could do, to make it seem --less strange, here, I know it can be very--that is , that you'd let me know."

Awkward,awkward.

[heartbeneathastone]

His eyes widen slightly. "What? No, I--! I have never wished to give that impression. I am-- it is-- to see all of you, it is-- why, I would call it a miracle!"

[merryeccentricities]

Joly does reach out then, squeezing Marius' arm briefly. "Thank you-- And I feel the same way! And oh, I don't mean that you--It's wonderful, and I'm grateful to be here, but it's still very strange-- very strange even now, and I think I've become used to many things about it , but it is so far from anything I could have planned for--!" He laughs a little, entirely at himself, and shrugs-- you see? -- before going on. " There's nothing wrong with finding it all a bit overwhelming. Anyway, I certainly hope not, or I'm in great trouble!"

[heartbeneathastone]

"Do you find it so?" Marius asks, almost laughing himself. "It seems to me that you are all always so-- so collected."

[merryeccentricities]

Joly's eyes widen in real surprise. He looks around, as if Marius could be talking about someone else, put a hand on his chest--who, me?--and shakes his head in negation, laughing. "Oh no! Oh no, Marius-- Oh, some of the others, I suppose, I've never seen anything truly surprise Courfeyrac or Bossuet very much but-- oh, no."

He's not quite laughing again, but it's a near thing. "I'm grateful for the compliment! but-oh, I always feel I am running a hundred steps behind everything and trying to catch up. And tripping as I go, usually. Well-- I felt that way in Paris! Here it is perhaps a thousand steps. It hardly bothers me, but I thought-- that is, I suppose I always feel it's obvious to everyone else, that I'm not quite in step with--whatever things are supposed to be."

[heartbeneathastone]

Marius does not look like he quite believes this.

"Well, you have your-- your position in the infirmary, you know your way about all these--" He waves his hand vaguely. "--these devices. I do not mean to contradict you, of course," Marius says quickly. "Only to say that you seem to have things quite well in hand."

[merryeccentricities]

"Oh, I'm grateful for it-- for having a place, and real work to do--but I'm--oh, we are all centuries behind the least of the advances in that room! I've learned the, the mechanics, you might say, of what's essential, but the fine theories-- well, that will be years, lifetimes! --I don't mind" he adds, quickly, in case the excited grin doesn't give it away, "I'd much rather have too much to learn and do than too little, but I know very well I'm the junior partner in our Infirmary. And then, you know, that's just the Infirmary! How Milliways itself works, how people come and go, how we're all provided for--why, I have not even found reliable studies on that!" He is getting very excited.

"Oh, but then--the people! Marius, have you met them? I know you've only been coming here a short time, but --there are people who are, are as unlikely to meet as that statue-lady in Pygmalion, and they walk around, and the things they know, and expect--oh, if I was out of my depth sometimes in Paris, here I'm completely lost."

He shakes his head again, still grinning at the thought that anyone would think he was on top of things. "But, you know--everyone is a bit at sea here, I think. People--they judge much less, if they've been here any time at all. Everyone's expected to be --oh, a little odd to each other."

Hm. "I suppose, in that, I don't stand out so badly here." It's a nice thought, anyway

[heartbeneathastone]

"I have not spoken with many people," Marius says, though he smiles faintly at Joly's enthusiasm. "I suppose I have never had much skill in-- in striking up conversations with strangers. But I am glad that you are happy here, odd though it may be-- that is, I take it that is what you mean."

[merryeccentricities]

" I am, for myself--even with everything, you know. Well, I have my work, and our friends are here; it would be hard for me to be really unhappy, here! And--you have given me assurance that the last worries about my own affairs in our world can be put to rest." He walks along quietly for a few moments.

...He's not good at quiet reflection. "And you--you're happy, in your life? And here?"

[heartbeneathastone]

The question clearly startles him.

"Yes, of course I am," he says. "I am married to-- to the best woman in the world, all is well with her father now... I cannot think how I could call myself unhappy."

[merryeccentricities]

There's such warmth in Marius' voice when he speaks of Cosette; it would take a harder heart than Joly's not to smile in response. "I'm glad to hear it. I suppose I shouldn't worry, you always managed things yourself ell enough, I know, but after the barricade, well, that's a hard thing." And not easier for surviving, either.

"Your dear wife told us the news about you, that you were mending well and such--and you don't suffer any pain from it any more?-- but still. The first time I was in a true battle, it was.." what, exactly? "--it was not easy, afterwards. And I had all our friends with me. And then you have seemed a bit on edge; I admit, I was a little worried." He's smiling a little--it's okay, Marius, you can laugh at the fussy doctor.

[heartbeneathastone]

He doesn't laugh, he nods earnestly through Joly's explanation, and at the mention of the barricades, his expression grows somber.

"To own the truth, I hardly recall it," he says. "In fact, with all of you here, it sometimes almost seems that it never happened at all! But then I return to Paris-- or find myself alone here with my thoughts-- and I cannot forget that it-- did." He shakes his head and blushes faintly, feeling he has said too much. "But pardon me."

[merryeccentricities]

?
..??


"Certainly!...for what?" Joly is obviously, earnestly, baffled.

[heartbeneathastone]

"For--" His vague sense of embarrassment at having spoken about himself for more than ten seconds? "For-- for going on about-- I am quite well, quite happy, as I have said. I have no-- no cause to complain about what is in the past."

[merryeccentricities]

Joly blinks. "Why-- I certainly think you have as much cause to complain as any one needs! And I shouldn't mind if you didn't, if you ever wanted to." ...Marius one of Joly's best friends is Grantaire.

"But you weren't complaining; I have never heard you complain; I would think you a saint or--or else that you rather thought us all utterly heartless, with how little complaint you make, except that I know better of you." Joly smiles, to show that of course that's silly. Haha, ridiculous!

Nngh. It would be so much easier to say nothing else. Probably Marius would prefer he say nothing else.

...Someone's got to say something, though. Oh well. "--I'd rather you would 'go on'. I don't mean that I want to press, only--only that I would much rather hear you say whatever you please than otherwise. You're a friend; whatever occupies you is interesting,you know, because it does occupy you. That's all."

[heartbeneathastone]

He's definitely blushing brightly now.

"It is not at all interesting, I am sure! And least of all to you-- to any of you, I mean-- who were actually there. Why on earth would you wish to hear the, the half-remembered bits of confusion that I turn about in my mind? And to what end would I speak of them? I do not know why I still think of them, save that I cannot--"

As before, he breaks off, gives his head a little shake. He attempts to muster up a small smile. "As you can see, my thoughts are not as well-ordered as I might wish they were. I am sure it is to everyone's preference that I keep them to myself."

[merryeccentricities]

"Oh, Marius." Joly puts a hand on Marius' arm and leaves it there, this time. " I have never known any man made to forget such things entirely--or to remember them without some sort of pain. And who else can we speak of it to--any of us--except us, who were there? We all carry some of those days with us, and help each other carry them, too- and you should not be the only one to have to carry them alone."

He tries to keep his tone light, but he squeezes Marius' arm, trying to reach him somehow on this. "It's a privilege to share those memories, to share any burdens; it's what we take friends for, isn't it, to claim that share in their troubles? It would never be my preference--not for any of us!-- that you would deny us that privilege, and keep your troubles to yourself."

[heartbeneathastone]

He looks over at Joly.

"Do you?" he asks, and seems quite sincerely surprised to hear it. "Carry them? I had begun to think-- after all this time, to still-- I suppose it must be some-- some weakness in me-- to still, still think of--"

[merryeccentricities]

"--Then I have a double share of that weakness, for it's been twice as long, here, and I still think of it. --And even more than that, because I still think of 1830. And sometimes,sometimes I think of them both at once, and can't pull one away from the other." He shakes his head, not a disagreement, a man shaking away the touch of a spiderweb. And he smiles, serious but not sad. "It is never orderly for me, either; no more than the battles were."

[heartbeneathastone]

"But I-- I can scarcely remember the battle at all!" He laughs a little, but there's a faintly frantic edge to it. "The way a song you only know a few lines of will surely be the one to play itself over and over again in your head-- they no not seem real, the things I do remember, and then I can stand here and speak to you and how can they be--"

He breaks off abruptly once more, suddenly afraid that he is approaching tears. He attempts to transform the tightness in his throat into a polite cough.

"There is no weakness in you, I am very sure of that. Please--" He clears his throat. "Please pardon me, I-- I should-- should find my wife..."

[merryeccentricities]

Well Joly is certainly near tears now. He puts an arm across Marius' back, though without any pressure to restrain.

"no--no there's nothing to ask pardon for, not from me, not from anyone , not for this! It's all right, it is--well, it is bizarre, isn't it, after all-- who ever has had to deal with such matters with quite such a place as this,hey?" He's really not trying to make a joke of it-- Marius doesn't seem the sort-- but it seems important to acknowledge the absurdity.

[heartbeneathastone]

"Well-- well, no one, I expect," he says, still trying to collect himself.

[merryeccentricities]

"That's right, that's right. Marius-- you're not doing wrong for, for this, you know? It's all right, it comes how it comes and it takes the time it takes, that's all."

[heartbeneathastone]

He bows his head and says softly, "That is very kind of you to say."

Then, after a pause, he says haltingly, "If I have given any impression of-- of unease or unhappiness about-- that is, to see and speak to you all, I-- regret it very much."